A co-worker of mine sends me links to "The Hanging Chad," a weekly column that runs in Eastern Kentucky University. It's so consistently horrible that today I decided to take action.
Some quotes from The Hanging Chad:
The Transformer dream didn't pan out either. Closest I got to that was running around with one stuffed in my pocket as a boy. A few years ago while weedeating in my backyard I spied one sticking out of the dirt. I found a childhood treasure I had lost. Talk about nostalgia creeping up my spine.
Awful, awful, awful.
She isn't a priss and she doesn't always force me to watch girly shows. I love her because she is so well rounded and compassionate. A lot of people might look at her and a see a five-foot-nothing redhead who seems a little prissy, but if they really knew her they would see a girl who can smoke the strongest men in their "manly" activities.
Anyway, I wrote the guy this letter:
I'm writing you after reading several of your columns for the Eastern Progress. I've never attended EKU, but a co-worker of mine is an alumni, and he regularly sends me links to your work -- and I use the term loosely -- online.
That someone can write a piece like "The Thin, Thin Line" and then continue to have a job pretty much proves to me that the world is about to end. Do you seriously think that anyone aside from yourself and your girlfriend (who I assume must have undergone a prefrontal lobe lobotomy prior to the relationship) is even tangentially interested in reading about your internal flip-flopping between who you think you look like more, Johnny Depp or Leonardo DiCaprio? Check out the Eric Stoltz/Cher movie "Rocky;" I think you look more like the title character.
The self-serving drivel that you put your name on is, in short, the hands-down worst writing I have ever come across -- and that's saying something; I once worked as a copy editor for my own school newspaper, and believe me, you wind up reading some awful stuff there. But all that pales in comparison to the "Hanging Chad," in which you repeatedly refer to yourself as a "male model" and talk about your "chiseled abs."
So I'm writing to ask you to quit writing your horrible column immediately, if not for your own sake, then for the sake of me and everyone else who might happen to read it. You'd be doing all of us a favor.
PS - Enjoy the next episode of "The O.C.," freak.