Tuesday, October 11, 2005

BREAKING NEWS: Smurf village bombed!


From staff and
wire reports

(SMURFLAND, Oct. 11, 2005) -- Smurf Village was bombed into near oblivion today by as-yet-unknown forces, leaving hundreds of residents dead and thousands wounded and homeless.

"This utterly un-Smurf-like attack was completely unexpected," said Smurf Village admistrator Papa Smurf, speaking from a ruined dais in the center of the ravaged town. "We do not yet know who is responsible, but we have reliable intelligence that Gargamel may be behind the attack in some way."

From headquarters in Cybertron, Transformers president Optimus Prime said that this act of agression "will not go unchecked."

"Our intelligence shows a clear connection between the Gargamel/Azrael axis and this unspeakable act of genocide," Prime said in a press conference almost immediately after word of the atrocity hit the airwaves. "No one will be safe unless those responsible are brought to justice."

However, international response to the incident was mixed, particularly over the appropriate response.

"We will assist in any humanitarian relief effort launched to aid our friends in Smurf Land," said Go-Bots prime minister Leader-1. "However, we will use our veto power to vote down any move to initiate military action against Gargamel or Skeletor."

Several factions pledged support to Pres. Prime's promise of swift military action, including the residents of Castle Greyskull.

"By the power of Greyskull, we will follow along with pretty much anything the Transformers do," screamed Adam, hefting his useless sword into a darkening sky.

Greyskull Secretary of Defense Man-at-Arms echoed the administration's stated position, adding, "Battle Cat is fully ready to deploy in support of what is sure to be the Global War on Bad Guys."

An emergency session of the Justice League America has been called, and representatives are currently en route. Secretary General Aquaman held a press conference hours after the bombing.

"We hope to come to a united decision as to how best to deal with the humanitarian disaster in Smurf Land," he said.

Meanwhile, as fires raged in Smurf Village, residents bemoaned the slow international response.

"No one has come to help us feed our people or treat our wounded," village resident Vanity Smurf said. "There was clearly no established plan to deal with an un-Smurf-like disaster such as this. (Federal Disaster Relief Director) Voltron should be sacked immediately!"

A vote on immediate action by the general assembly of the Justice League is expected by Thursday.


UPDATE: Open Post at the Mudville Gazette.

UPDATE: I believe some readers may have been confused if they read the above account without first having seen this story from Belgium. Seriously, they dropped bombs on the Smurfs. I don't make this shit up.