Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Who ya gonna call?

Here's a headline you definitely don't see every day:

Mystery blob eating downtown Los Angeles.

It's not a joke.

A mysterious black blob attacked downtown Los Angeles on Monday with a tar-like goo that oozed from manholes, buckled a street and unmoored a Raymond Chandler-era brick building, firefighters said.

About 200 residents were forced to flee as a hazardous materials team and dozens of firefighters worked throughout the day to identify what was first deemed "a black tarry substance" and later morphed into a "watery mud." ...

They returned at 1 p.m. to find a Slimer-like ooze lurking beneath central Los Angeles.

Ironically, this weekend I rented John Carpenter's The Thing, which leads me to believe that the nightmarish substance seeping through manhole covers in downtown L.A. is nothing less than a hostile alien entity hell-bent on consuming the entire human race. Anyone infected by this being could explode into a disgusting mass of twisted limbs and teeth at any moment, so if you have a ticket to LAX for the immediate future, call and ask for a refund.

The emergence of this black blob may or may not have anything to do with the Supreme Court's decision to allow a church in New Mexico to use hallucinogenic tea as part of its bi-monthly ritual. The tea reportedly contains DMT, which leads users to see things like "Self-Transforming Machine Elves" and experience alien abduction.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Forbidden Zone.