Possible sports commentary

This one really isn't very sports-related, but I whipped it up this morning after a couple cups of gravelly coffee. It's still a draft, but hey.

Truth in advertising getting scarce
By SPC. IAN BOUDREAU
TURRET SPORTS EDITOR

Over the weekend, I saw a television commercial for a toothbrush that is going to change oral hygiene forever.

At least, that's what the computer-generated animation would have me believe. You see, this particular toothbrush has special flanges that reach deep between each tooth as the user drags it back and forth across his dentition.

Deep within the handle (as is clearly illustrated by the graphics) is a device that sends some kind of electronic "pulses" into the head of the toothbrush. I'm not sure what these pulses do, but my theory is they're designed to confuse and terrify the bacteria and other gunk that cause cavities and halitosis.

I'm thinking the next model will come with an MP3 player and a satellite uplink. It'll cost as much as an iPod and Linkin Park will be in the commercial.

This isn't the first commercial to use these ridiculous animations. Many razor companies think they can improve on the classic design of the shaving razor by adding blades and "sensor strips."

You can watch the accompanying animations to see what these strips do: as they run along the user's face, they pull each whisker gently up out of its follicle, preparing it to be sliced by the blades that follow in its wake. Each subsequent blade chops off a bit more of the whisker (in the commercial, whiskers are very cooperative), which then recedes below the surface of the skin.

Apparently, this means anyone who buys this razor will get a closer shave than Batman's sidekick Robin.

One unique, but no less phony, approach was taken by a deodorant manufacturer. MTV's oh-so-lovable rebel, Bam Margera (who spends his time tormenting his family when he's not shilling DO) narrates as average guys in bright green t-shirts link arms to show the stink-stomping power of this company's latest brand of underarm deodorant. With the product's electrifying power, they are able to clothesline NFL players -- like Terrell Owens, who still isn't making enough money.

The energy drink Red Bull, I've heard, is capable of giving its drinkers the power of flight.

The worst offenders in the obviously-fake computer animation department are skin and hair care products. Have you seen these? As you shampoo with (insert name of new product here), magical globules made of vitamins, minerals, eye of newt, and Echinacea float down into your scalp, which absorbs them and in turn energizes each strand of hair with golden, life-giving energy. Go from Twisted Sister to Gwen Stefani in seconds.

I know we all have come to expect a certain amount of falsehood when it comes to advertising, but this is getting out of hand. It's as if we have to become members of some kind of hygienic cult in order to be convinced by this stuff.

"Magical globs floating into my skin and aggressively rooting out the dark, evil gunk in my pores? Where do I get in line?"

"The Smurfs like this cereal? How do I get my hands on some?"

Pharmaceutical companies are required to list the dire side effects taking their medication could cause. If there isn't a council in the market that can fine advertisers when their commercials look like scenes out of "The Neverending Story," then consumers should do their part and quit buying their products. Lies should not be rewarded with marketing base.

-30-

UPDATE: It's going to run, but in the A section. I'll have to think up something else for sports.
UPDATE II: Open posting at Mudville and The Indepundit.