Monday, November 14, 2005

What I do with long weekends

Chalk up another solid win for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Hooray!

Anyway, for your entertainment and mine, I thought I'd do a running commentary on the movie I'm about to watch - Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. This should be heaps of campy fun.

12:00 a.m. - Opening Credits roll, and we find ourselves on a stormy night, in a car with two guys. One of them turns out to be Tommy Jarvis, who's killed the murderous Jason Vorhees twice before - once as a runty Corey Feldman (in Part IV, the "Final Chapter"). Now, Tommy needs to make sure Jason's body is destroyed so his hallucinations stop - I guess that means we forget about the "freaky" ending to the last movie, where Tommy sort of turns into Jason and stabs a lady. But let's not get too cerebral.

12:04 - They find Jason Voorhees' grave. Commence digging in thunderstorm, insert creepy shots of other graves. Why is it that people are able to dig perfectly square grave-shaped holes in 25 seconds in movies? Okay... they're prying open the coffin.

12:05 - A wormy corpse. Somehow, I'm surprised. So is Tommy. Ooooh - flashback time: we can hear the young Feldman slashing Jason to bits in Part IV.

12:06 - So he does it again to the corpse, using a pointy piece of graveyard fence.

12:07 - Uh oh. Lighting strikes! The corpse OPENS ITS EYES! Naturally, Tommy's already thrown in the signature hockey mask...

12:08 - JASON'S ALIVE! And he's green. Tommy's trying to dump gasoline on him... but the MATCHES WON'T LIGHT in the rain. That's why you should smoke, kids. You'd have a lighter on you in case of undead psychopath attack.

12:10 - What the hell. Craziest opening credits yet. Extreme closeup on Jason's eye... then in the pupil, he walks out, James Bond-style, and tosses a knife at the screen. By the way, the body count is up to 1. I suppose if you count Jason coming back to life as -1 on the body count, we're even, but let's not split hairs.

12:12 - Tommy's trying to explain the ugly situation to the sheriff. Naturally, the sheriff is skeptical, especially considering Tommy's psychological background. Tommy winds up in a cell.

12:13 - A couple in a car on their way to a camp. Quite the recurring theme here. Wow, they run into Jason right away. By the way, the two are in a Volkswagen Beetle, which I think has appeared in every single Jason movie so far.

12:15 - Jason pokes a hole in the left front tire. Billy Badass has a pistol. He fires, it doesn't work, and has the windshield painted with his blood. Whoops. That's 2.

12:16 - The chick offers Jason money as he stands over her with a bloody spear. He doesn't accept. Body count is up to 3, an American Express card is floating in the ditch.

12:17 - Loathsome teenager alert! The blonde appeared in the last Jason outing, as a diner waitress who wound up getting sliced.

12:19 - Grumpy old man alert! He's the cemetery caretaker. I think he'll probably live for.... another six minutes. Meanwhile, the loathsome teenagers are getting settled into their new campground. Here's where the movies typically slow down.

12:20 - Blondie: "Just because our parents keep telling us Jason was only a legend doesn't mean it isn't true." Oooooh - a busload of kids shows up! Jason's notoriously bad at killing kids, even if they're Corey Feldman.

12:22 - Paint ball freaks in the woods. Jason is hiding nearby. Awww, they get shot by a chick. By the way, paint ball players who get shot have to wear "Dead" headbands... one such guy runs into Jason. Jason shoves him into a tree with an inconveniently-placed stick in the trunk. The "Dead" guy slides off, leaving a smiley face in blood. I guess they aren't taking themselves as seriously this time around. Body count: 4.

12:25 - Yes, the paintballers are definitely here for comic relief. Jason kills three in one swipe. That makes 7. The last paintballer shoots Jason in the chest. It doesn't work.

12:27 - Tommy's leading the sheriff to the cemetery. The sheriff isn't amused. The deputy pulls out a revolver with a ridiculously huge Tango and Cash laser scope on it. Old timer: "Does he think I'm a fart-head?" Cut to kids screaming: "Yeah!!!!"

12:31 - I think the sheriff is the guy who eventually played J. Jonah Jameson in the new "Spiderman."

12:33 - Old Timer's drunk again. He's toast. Jason gets him with his own broken whiskey bottle. 8. The rich couple making out hears the scream, the guy spots Jason, and the two take off.... not fast enough. 10.

12:34 - One of the sleeping campers was reading "No Exit" by John Paul Sartre. Huh.

12:35 - Hm, the female counselors are discussing a "Camp Blood" card game. I have a better idea: do a shot every time something retarded happens in a Friday the 13th movie. I'd be pretty drunk already.

12:37 - Rampant sex going between mullet guy and the brunette to awful '80s music. They're shaking up an RV. They are going to die very, very soon. Yup... Jason cuts the power to the camper. "Cort" (a.k.a Mullet Guy) has to go outside to plug it back in. For some reason, he's already sneaking around. Only WE know Jason's about, right?

12:40 - Cheap scare - the chick comes out and spooks Mullet Guy. "Vikki, somebody's out there."

12:42 - Jason drags Vikki into the RV bathroom without being remotely scary. He shoves her face into the wall, making an impression on the outside. 11? Mullet Guy is stabbed through the head. 12. They were listening to "Teenage Frankenstein," which I guess is by Alice Cooper.

12:44 - "I've found what's left of those counselors, and it looks like someone did them in using Jason's old M.O.!" Blondie is left alone in the sheriff's office.

12:45 - We're being treated to lots of shots of the Undead Jason strolling through the woods.

12:47 - Jason's found the old campground. He ambles in. Meanwhile, the deputy has found chunks of paintballers.

12:51 - Jason grabs a counselor. She's dispatched by having her head sort of twisted off. Hey - blondie has a nice '77 Camaro. She also drives better with our hero's head buried in her crotch. "This is going to be a hairy turn... hold on." Yes, you can groan now. They wind up at the camp, where Jason is currently busy making counselor dim-sum.

12:55 - Little Susan has found a bloody machete outside. She saw a monster.

12:59 - *CRUNCH* Is it Jason? We have a female counselor on her own... ah, but she runs away, back to her cabin. The phone doesn't work, there's blood on the floor. And now, the extra creepy music kicks in. Jason hacks her up. Is that 13, now?

1:05 - Tommy is free from the jail cell! I don't think I can do this much longer.

1:10 - Screw it, I'm done. This is just awful. Too many brain cells have died for me to continue writing while watching this. I'll need to eat a lot of fish and vegetables tomorrow to regrow my brain stem.


UPDATE: Open Post at Mudville!